03/13/2026
Yesterday I didn't kill myself. I wanted to. I lied. I don't just want to kill myself but also destroy myself. I deserve the taste of blood in my mouth, bruises, infection, and pain.I deserved a bat to the face, etc. However, this self-violence is not the main focus. Getting back to the urge to die and how I was able to navigate away from it. It started a few days ago. My mom was in the hospital; she came back. Simultaneously, A. had come back from her weekend trip, which always gets me in a bad way. It was also hot. I had fucked up my already fucked-up back. It was hot. I was groggy. I was waiting.I believe it was the waiting and the heat that really got me. I was constantly waiting for the payout, waiting to improve, and waiting to live, all while being trapped in this heavy burden of a body. Oh, life would be so simple if I weren't so ill. But then I was really reading Adlerian psychology theory and realized that I was to blame for everything. I already knew I chose this misery, but it really makes you reflect when someone, the book in this case, calls you out on your bullshit.It hit me like a brick: what a disgusting, lazy, self-destructive, and ugly creature I am. This and, of course, waiting for the thing to occur stopped me.More than anything, the thing. I was saved by greed and just a hint of self-reflection and self-worth. Maybe I can be fixed. Well, according to Adler, I can be!
02/14/2026
Day of nothing. I am still here. Waiting. I had a little health scare via constant nosebleeds but I have been free of them for three days. What's going on? Where am I? My daughter is entertaining some boy romantically, I do not approve. She lied to me and that hurts the most. She is her own person and should do, and will do, what she wants in that regard. I tell her I disapprove but kids are kids. I'd think it would hurt more but I really can't feel anything too deeply right now. I am passed the pain threshold. I am on the corner of numbness and oblivion. I escape to my own little world and to my sleep world and my terrible daydreams. These are the scraps of fabric my whole soul is built on. N. has a boyfriend so they are incredibly dull atm. Maybe I'll write them a letter, just to feel something. I love my friend but they have an amazing way to make you feel invisible, especially when there is a beau in the picture. Story of my life. People throw their whole personalities away for love. Oh to be young and in love! I don't want love but it's something to do right? Maybe when I am older and become a better actor so I can feign interest in any sex. Doubtful. To each their own. I will be happy in my bubble. Reading, photographing, cooking, learning. The issue with me is inertia. I have to wait rn. Its so fucking dull. What do you do when your kid is talking to a loser fortnight player who calls her "bruh"? You raise a kid to be smart, kind and into a wide variety of arts and then she starts playing fortnight and acting dumb for a guy. Sick sad world. Tale as old as time. Genuinely makes me suicidal. But I won't do it. You have to let the kids burn their hands on the stove. Another generation of women falling for ugly, low intelligence boys. Your hard work for nothing. It's her life to ruin it the way she wants. It's bittersweet. More bitter. The sweet will come when I am finally able to kill myself. Not today but someday soon. My daughter just needs to grow up and get out of here. Theres drunk ppl singing shitty music in my house rn. God TAKE THE WHEEL AND LET ME DIE! Not yet, not yet sweet lovely death!
10/29/25
Today I wanted to kill myself. But I did not. I've said it before, I have a clear plan of how and when. Gotta be strong, not today. Why am I here again after a short reprieve? My own ineptitude again and something as silly as hope. I made the mistake of having hope. I had the hope that I would be useful and back on my feet with a job, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I'm also at this fucking crossroads where I want to just fly solo and be alone or help out a friend. A friend I am very sure will just cause me more headaches in the long run. That fucking stupid lady is coming over Friday as well. It's all too fucking much because I am a weak piece of shit. I fail at everything. Something in me broke and the stupidity and laziness was coddled. So it tripled. Then my back and my fucking female organ problems that prevent me from being useful. All I have to look forward to is popping pills and cigarettes. If i had money I'd be hitting the booze again. Heck, if I had real money and luck I'd be high on meth. The main reason I've escaped back into my stupid inertia fantasy bs in my mind. To escape how much I hate myself. To hide from my failures. Today I wanted to die but I didn't.
10/15/25
Today is like many days where I feel the urge to kill myself. Having exhausted all my usefulness in the world, what is left for me? I often think of my retirement plan. It is almost unlivable here in Los Angeles. Social Security is exhausted; I don't have a penny to my name yet. Why have I not jumped into the most delicious embrace? You see, I was, up until recently, of use. I was a mother, well, I am. I have a beautiful and intelligent 15-year-old daughter. She was the lighthouse; she was my tears. There comes a time in all parents' lives when we are basically not needed anymore, and I have just made it out of that painful threshold. Why? The way she is, the way she snaps at me, very much like me, her bravery, her need to move in those circles, the way she looks at me, the way she doesn't look at me, the way she keeps things to her chest, not letting or sharing those very beautiful things in life that make a healthy mother-daughter relationship. She'll probably have a beau by now, which is the reason why she hides, and that's her right. But the mark of it all is not sharing. We had that relationship where we shared, and now we don't. Of course, this is my fault. To her now I am a machine, not a friend or even human. I am a broken-down, old, and ugly machine. I clean, feed, and pick up after you and nothing else. No confidence, no tenderness. It was about time, too, because one day we have to realize they are no longer ours but belong to themselves and the world. Bittersweet? This is a good and positive thing. When you love something, you let it go. So why have I not? What am I writing? I have decided that instead of doing it, I will just write my note. Write the note I was meant to use, collect it each time I wanted to, and explain why. One day I will do it; one day I will. But for now I will record every lightning flash. I still want some good times before I go. I still want to do things on my own, to even just be on my own. I still want things before the big nothing. Until then, I will record this in earnest. Maybe I can have a few chuckles lol.